Orochimama

Time spent with the children had helped me stay sane; there I wasn't Orochimaru. Orochimaru looked and acted different and I was a girl, so to them I was clearly different. It was simple. I appreciated simple. I had very little that was simple in my life.

"Orochitama-sama! I have an important request for my project!"

"Orochitama-sama! The Daimyo of Plains, sent a response!"

"Orochitama-sama! I made a break through!"

"Orochitama-sama! There is a dispute in the cafeteria! Two dead so far!"

"Orochitama-sama! The Daimyo has concerns about Taki's acceptance of-"

On and on and on it went. As soon as I stepped out of the room with the children I'd had one request after the other. All things that did need my attention. I couldn't even blame Orochimaru for it. He didn't deal with stuff like this. His only rule was if you pissed him off he'd kill you. Simple. I was the one bringing in rules, regulations, and even mental care.

The end result was that everyone needed a mind numbing amount of my attention.

My office was often times filled with people working with me on a project or putting in a request for their own work. Ninja would occasionally come in with mission reports and requests for orders. The job was more stressful than most front line fighting I'd seen from Orochimaru's memories.

I had five people in my office, all trying to be heard and their requests handled all at once.

Then the door my office swung open and Zabuza walked in with his typical expression; that expression most commonly referred to as murderous.

"Out." He ordered.

In moments the room was empty of everyone but Zabuza and myself.

I raised an eyebrow at the man. "I'm guessing the first day of training didn't go well."

"How, the fuck, did those people get off calling themselves ninjas? Why aren't you training them?" He growled.

"I am getting them training. That's why I hired you." I responded as I picked up a report on the ongoing negations with our own Daimyo.

"I meant before that! What the hell did you do to train them?" He snapped.

"I didn't." I responded.

"What do you mean you didn't?"

"I mean that previously all these people weren't trained. They were given goals and if they did not meet them they had consequences. Usually resulting in them dying. If they couldn't figure out the 'how' of the request then that was on their head. Most of them were just results of seeing if we could get an experiment to work." I closed my eyes, leaned back and sighed.

Zabuza stared at me in silence for a solid minute before he began to speak slowly and hesitantly. "That's-"

"Stupid? Wasteful? Monstrous?" I cut in, doing my best to keep any sort of emotion from my voice. "I know. I've been trying to fix it."

Zabuza's eyes narrowed. That level of disregard compared to my current care was a difficult thing to align. Zabuza had been a ninja for decades, a massive inconsistence in behavior such as that was sure to set off alarm bells in the man.

I didn't want the man to dwell on it too much.

"Are you finding yourself not up to the task?" I tease, tossing hair over my shoulder.

"I can handle it." The man said with the grace of an ox. "You just implied I'd be working with people that knew the difference from their kunai and their ass."

"Oh come now, they can't be that bad."

Zabuza's palms slapped down on the table as his much larger form loomed over me.

"Some of them can't even do a jumping jack right."

Wow. That was pretty bad.

"As I said. Mistakes were made." I responded before standing up, forcing the Demon of the Mist to pull back from his looming. "Did you have a purpose here Zabuza? Other than to bitch about other people's incompetence?"

I'd dealt with administrative duties all day, and I was over it. In the right mindset, I'd joke and bitch about all the lemming tendencies of the Sound Nin right along with Zabuza. I was not in that mindset and the man came with accusations. I wasn't feeling very charitable.

The sudden turn in posture clearly reminded the Mist ninja who exactly he was talking to. I saw his eyes start to dart to the door before catching himself. The man loathed to backdown from anything and it was only his pride keeping him from excusing himself from the room.

"I was offered training for me and Haku in exchange for my service. I haven't been given any expectations on when that will be." The man said, arms still folded over his chest. The threatening tone gone.

I gave a lollypops and sunshine smile and clap my hand together. "Ara ara! How silly of me. I must have overlooked it in all my spare time!" I chirp. "Well you seem to be free right now, so please come with me to the training room 1 and we'll start right away."

With that, I turned, my yellow sundress twirling, and sashayed out of the room.

I did have to give some credit to Zabuza, he immediately followed after me.

xxxxxxx

Jugo's life seemed much brighter the last three months. His problems with losing control hadn't been solved, but it had grown much more manageable as of late. He personally thought it was due to the purpose he now felt. Kimimaro had been relived of duty and was able to spend a lot more time with him, the bone user had grown weaker and was under strict orders to remain in a bed or a wheelchair as much as possible. The two of them would spend hours wondering around the base together and just enjoying each other's company.

"Oi! Jugo! Jackass!" A familiar voice called. Jugo's face lit up. His other friend!

"Suigetsu." Jugo greeting warmly. Though he spied Kimimaro's face dropping at the interruption.

Jugo winced. Why couldn't his friends just get along?

"What do you want, bottom feeder?" Kimimaro asked with all the care of the Suna desert.

"I wanted to invite Jugo to come watch an S-tier ass kicking. He won't leave you, so you come too." The shark-toothed kid said.

"A what?" Jugo asked, confused.

"Boss Lady is doing a total beatdown of a guy and calling it training." He pointed a thumb over his shoulder. "You wanna watch?"

"Well, if it's alright with-"

"Yes." Kimimaro interrupted. "Take us there now."

"Hell yeah!" Suigetsu cheered before leading them over to Training Field 1.

They arrived to find dozens of ninja had already beaten them there. Some sitting back and lurking in corners while keeping a watchful eye. Others gathered right up against the fence and gossiped to the person next to them. None talked loudly though.

You didn't want to attract the attention of either person in the room.

The three stopped in front of the iron bars that separated the training area from the rest of the base. Inside was an area ninty by thirty meters of concrete with holes patched up with orange clay. It also had a path dug through that had a constantly recycling stream of water.

As they arrived a thick mist began to rise up from the water and settle over the area.

"Aw, we aren't going to get to-"

The mist was banished by a sudden and powerful breeze that ruffled the hair and clothing of everyone watching. The wind was damp but refreshing, like the smell of the air just after rain. Jugo breathed it in deeply before catching sight of the two combatants. The first was Orochitama, who was pretty as ever, with a yellow dress with sunflowers decorated over them. Jugo was glad to see the bright colors and dress. She really seemed much happier since deciding to be a woman, and was making everything much better since then.

Maybe more people should decide to be women?

Oh, and Orochitama was stopping her opponents massive blade with a single hand. The man had muscles like carved granite that bulged under his tight sleeveless shirt. He wielded a sword almost as long and tall as he was, and tried to pry the monstrosity from Orochitama's grip.

"Heh. Guess even Demon of the Mist can't match the Boss." Suigetsu jeered as he leaned against the rails, lacking the fear of consequence that all the other watchers had.

"Of course." Kimimaro muttered. "It is Orochimaru-sama."

"Tama." Jugo corrected absently as he watched Orochitama release the sword willingly.

"Yes. Tama." Kimimaro agreed reluctantly.

"I can disperse your mist, and you can't sneak up on me. What will you do without your greatest strengths, Zabuza-kun?" Orochitama asked.

Zabuza answered with a water dragon attempting to close it's jaws around the woman.

Orochitama took a step to the side, looking for all the world like she was just strolling through a garden. It roared past her before spinning around to take a second pass at her, but she disappeared from sight and a loud clang pierced the air as Zabuza went flying backwards with a dent in his sword. As the man caught himself from his flight through the air Orochitama was there, gently placing a hand on his shoulder.

"You go for one big hit too often." She commented lightly as the man violently twirled his body to attempt to behead his adversary. She flowed with the motion, maintaining her position behind him. "See, just then, it would have been much better to make an attempt for my leg or foot. It wouldn't have killed me but it would have cost me at least something."

Zabuza didn't respond, instead he pulled the sword close to him, hand raised up high and blade going down the front of his body, then he twisted himself into Orochitama's grip, forcing the woman to back off or lose a hand.

"Better." She commented before her dress fluffed out from her for a moment before Zabuza once again was sent backwards with a loud clang echoing through the area.

"What'd she do?" Jugo asked, squinting.

"She kicked his sword." Kimimaro replied. "I think she used a wind jutsu too while doing it, but I'm not sure, that might have just been from the force of the kick."

Once again, when Zabuza landed Orochitama appeared again, though this time she was standing right in front of him, one arm resting against her body just under her bust the other hand pressing a finger to pursed lips while she squinted.

Zabuza did a great impression of a spinning sawblade. He whirled and twisted, strike after strike flashing out without no pause, each motion leading smoothly into the next even thought each strike sailed past Orochitama, who dodged with what looked like a casual ease.

"Good!" She said as she dodged, "You use the weight of your blade to maintain motion, keeping you from using too much energy. Excellent technique."

Then the woman stepped to the side and struck Zabuza's sword while he was in the midst of bringing an attack down from above. The next bit moved too quickly for Jugo to process, but when his mind caught up, Orochitama was holding the sword and Zabuza was several feet away clutching his stomach.

"You use your body to move the blade, but you don't let the blade move you. If you are going to wield such a heavy blade, take more advantage of its weight."

Then the woman rocketed forward and swung the sword down towards Zabuza in a large downward diagonal strike. Zabuza scrambled out of the way, but as the sword was beginning to hit the ground, Orochitama flipped with it, her body following the same path the sword just took, the weight of the sword helping to spin her harder as well as it dug into the ground and acted as a pivot point, causing her to crash a foot onto Zabuza's shoulder, sending him onto the ground.

Using the force of the kick, Orochitama forced herself back into the air, still keeping hold of the sword and using it to allow her to twist in midair and transfer the motion into a full body roundhouse kick coming around from the other side of the sword, the kick would have hit Zabuza in the side if he wasn't busy laying on the ground gasping for breath.

When her feet hit the ground finally, she used her momentum to wretch the sword up from the ground, spun in place, and brought the sword down towards Zabuza's head, stopping just short of landing the hit.

"I didn't think Kubikiribocho could be used like that." Suigestsu muttered next to him. "That was like a dance."

"Orochima-tama-sama is very graceful. Her taijutsu has always looked like a dance, but she usually prefers to use her more impressive ninjutsu." Kimimaro stated. "My Bone Dances were made with her guidance."

"Damn. That must be some impressive ninjutsu." Suigetsu muttered.

Orochitama threw the sword down next to him.

"Again. From the top." She ordered.

Zabuza didn't complain. Merely grunted as he stood up, grabbed his blade and assumed a ready position. Then they all watched as Orochitama constantly dodged his blows by the barest of margins and then hit him with the force of a natural disaster. Then Zabuza would get up, and they'd do it again. Each time Orochitama spoke with a calm and slightly teasing voice; giving advice as large as eliminating the use of a particular ninjutsu to as small as adjusting his grip by three millimeters.

"So...is this a fight? Like, she's hitting him, but this seems more like training." Jugo asked.

"Oh no. It is. It's a beatdown disguised as training." Suigetsu stated firmly, "She wouldn't be making contact with her her attacks if it was just training. He pissed her off. She's just making it productive too."

"Orochitama-sama is very pragmatic." Kimimaro agreed.

All that may be true. And Jugo was sure all of this was very impressive on a very technical level that he couldn't grasp, but Jugo did learn one thing from this he knew for certain.

"I'd like to learn how to dance." Jugo decided aloud.

xxxxxx

Uchiha Itachi opened his eyes and saw the eight other illusionary forms of his fellow Akatsuki members. The atmosphere was cold, tense, and always felt like they were just waiting for someone to commit an act of betrayal.

He hated being reminded of home.

"So what's the reason we were called?" Kisame asked. "Is it time to start grabbing some jinchuuriki?"

"No." The Leader said, the eyes of the rinnegan locking onto Itachi's own sharingan and staring him down. "We are here to discuss the traitor, Orochimaru."

Itachi kept his face stoic, but was relieved. He was looking forward to the opportunity to end the threat of the Snake Sannin. The man would be a threat to Sasuke. He would need to be removed.

"You have information on his whereabouts?" Itachi asked. It would be an innocent question. Most every member would consider it being a desire for revenge.

"No. The Snake Sannin continues to foil our attempts at detection and has managed to somehow block Zetsu from entering any of his bases." The leader said, still staring Itachi down.

"Then why are we here?" Sasori's graveled voice asked. "This is a waste of time if we have nothing new."

"We have received a report," Pein began, "of a Konoha gennin team running into the Snake Sannin during their first C-rank mission."

Itachi's blood ran cold.

"It's recent. We only got part of a report, but we had it checked out with the locals of the area as well. Across the reports we've managed to put together a description of what happened."

Itachi waited with bated breaths.

"After Orochimaru fought and lost to Uchiha Itachi, he escaped with his life. Reports indicate that after that encounter Orochimaru's priorities, methods, and appearance have all changed drastically."

"Ha, you really kicked his ass, huh?" Kisame laughed.

Itachi found nothing funny in what was said, but that wasn't unusual. Itachi often struggled to understand why others laughed at things, much less when there was a subject of things he cared about.

"What changes?" Itachi asked.

"He has stopped almost all of his outgoing missions, isolated all double agents in his organization, changed to long term goals, amassed large amounts of wealth." Pein stated, as Itachi's mind raced to think on reasons for the behavior change. Then Pein spoke up again. "Or did you mean about the fact that he is now a voluptuous woman that makes constant sexual innuendo?"

Itachi blinked. Then blinked again.

That didn't make sense. There was no logic to his actions, and the Snake Sannin was very logical. Itachi liked that. Too many people always acted in unpredictable ways, acting on complex emotions. Orochimaru had fear and greed, both easily understood. Itachi didn't see how those goals would line up with these actions.

"He began taking these actions immediately after his last encounter with us." Pein stated and Itachi felt the force of his stare increasing, "With you, Itachi."

All the eyes in the room slid over to stare at him.

Why were they staring?

"The fuck did you do to him?" Deidera asked, an appalled look on his face.

"I put him in a genjutsu and came close to killing him." He stated simply. "I don't see how this has any bearing on me."

How was he supposed to know? It was like they thought he-

Oh.

Even Kisame was giving him a look with intense emotion. "Itachi?" Kisame asked, voice questioning, "Did you fuck Orochimaru?"

"No." He stated simply. It was the truth.

None of them looked convinced.

They continued to stare.

Itachi disconnected from his illusion, stood up from his meditative position, and began to walk away. In a few moments Kisame began to stand too.

"Itachi! Wait!" He called, hurrying to catch up.

Itachi considered running and not letting him catch up. Though it would more likely make him look guilty. He settled for staying at his casual walking speed.

Kisame caught up to him in a few moments, though the fish man was gratefully silent as they-

"So was it that you are attracted to men, or you have a thing for MILF snakes?" Kisame asked.

Itachi turned to Kisame, Mangekyo blazing as he calmly stated, "I will kill you."

xxxxx

"Hehehehe." Jiraiya giggled to himself, staring through his telescope. Doing his level best to ignore the familiar chakra signature approaching him. "My what a firm peach that is~!"

"Jiraiya-sama." The ANBU spoke up. Jiraiya was tempted to ignore him for a while for the view, but it was Tadaomi, and his sensei's younger son was always stickler for the rules. "What do ya want Saru? This is quite possibly the finest ass in the country and she's bent over right now, so this better be pretty-"

"We have news on Orochimaru." The monkey masked ANBU said, holding out a scroll.

Jiraiya dropped the telescope and snatched up the parchment.

Jiraya looked at the message. It was encrypted with a familiar cypher, the one that he and his sensei had made to communicate exclusively with each other. He translated the message in his head.

Then he checked it again.

That wasn't right. Couldn't be. Orochimaru wasn't capable of it.

"Did he use another cypher?" Jiraiya asked.

"No." Saru said, though Jiraiya could hear the amusement in his voice.

Jiraiya stared at the wooden mask for a few more moments.

"Are you pranking me?" Jiraiya asked, though he figured it wasn't a prank. This was Tadaomi. The kid didn't have a funny bone.

"No. It is all correct and factual."

What. The. Actual. Fuck?

Jiraiya had seen Orochimaru attempt to flirt. It was mission related a few times over their career. Tsunade didn't have the temperament for cover work and Sensei always seemed to think he'd do something crazy that would cause chaos, so he kept trying to give Orochimaru a chance at it, and he sucked at it.

He continued to be baffled on why complimenting facial symmetry was not considered good flirting.

Flirty was an art. It required both confidence, comfort, and humor. Orochimaru had the first, was passible at the second, and had no hope for the third. Hell, the traitor had made comment a few times that he didn't understand what people saw for attraction in boobs.

Boobs! Who didn't get boobs!?

If what the paper said is true, then Orochimaru had to have been working on being able to do this for years!

Why?

What reason would Orochimaru have for pretending to be a voluptuous and flirty-

Jiraiya dropped the scroll as the pieces fell in place.

"My god." It made sense. Who kept hunting him? Who was it that understood his methods? It all made sense.

"Orochimaru is doing this to mess with me specifically!" He yelled as he slammed his foot down on a rock next to him.

"What?" Saru asked in confusion.

"Think about it Saru! Think!" Jiraya stated, pointing to his head. "Which of Orochimaru's enemies would this sort of behavior give him an advantage on? Me! He just so happened to do it on a mission with my godson? Bullshit. He's trying to call me out. He's trying to effect me. This is personal." Jiraiya said with conviction.

"That..." Saru stated before fading off, "Is actually a better theory than most of what we had."

"Exactly." Jiraiya said before picking back up his telescope and looking back to where he had been looking.

"What are you doing?" Saru asked. "We need to return."

"Oh sure. Just a last inspection. For- uh-" Jiraya trailed off and let out a giggle. "Any Orochimaru-ness."

Silence fell as Jiraiya started giggling himself.

"Are you done?" Saru asked impatiently.

"I don't know." Jiraya said lightly, "Orochimaru is a tricky bastard. I think this inspection could take a loooong-"

"Be on the road in ten minutes or I'll burn your book manuscript." Saru stated before leaving.

Jiraiya rolled his eyes. "I swear, how that kid managed to land a woman I'll never know."

Jiraiya stared for a bit longer.

"Fuck, I'm gonna have nightmares about vagina snakes." He groused.